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Key Culprits
Five films which make pianists and piano lovers alike cringe
Friday 31st March 2017
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Let's get things straight first of all: for any pianist who has been playing a long time (myself included) their piano is their baby. No matter how old the wood or how squeaky the pedal, a pianist's piano is their outlet. Those of you who don't own one might relate, say, to your beloved car or game console. For pianists, their pianos are extensions of themselves, so they might get a little touchy about any damage that might come to them. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing pianos and music featured in films. Period drama is essentially written around them. Yet when I see them being mistreated, my heart dies a little and I think, "I could have taken that home ..."
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Of course like most films, it's all about the SFX. What better way to emphasise the drama than to smash a piano? Drop it down several floors of a building? Leave-it-in-the-ocean?! Calm. I'm calm.
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Here are five examples of films which trigger the cringe, with some (hopefully) reassuring logic ...
1. The Aristocats (1970)
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I shall begin with this charmer of a double-offender.
It all starts sweetly. Aw look, cultured kitties playing their
"Scales and Arpeggios." Then comes along Toulouse - the "artist" - and we are forced to watch him splatter the ivories with his acrylics. How that elderly lady still loves those adorable little vandals is beyond me ...
It does not stop there, however, non non. The alley cats get their paws on jazz and it's all down hill from there.
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Their rampant raving makes the piano and my heart plummet with each crash through the floorboards of that tall building. To top it off, the piano now a pile of firewood, the Siamese strings the surviving keys to his neck and plays it as a xylophone! To be honest, in contemporary composer circles, that would be admired as extreme prepared piano. What's that quote again? Before creation there must be destruction?
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2. Batman Begins (2005)
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It's the piano that Gotham deserves, but not what it needs ... or something like that.
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It's quite ingenious really, using a piano as a secret door key. For those of you who know your theory, Batman presses three clusters of major seconds. In other words, three very clashy sounds. Of course you have to make sure no one's going to press those keys, so why not use the most dissonant interval? Our ears, though, our ears! Just don't invite a serialist to your parties, Bruce ...
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And ... it's on fire. You had your time in the limelight piano. No more. I have to say, kudos to Alfred for remembering the combination while dragging a protein shake-filled Bruce through engulfing flames and smoke. I'd like to know how the strings still resonate fully while on fire but ... you know. Hollywood. RIP piano.
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
Ok, ok, technically it's a pipe organ, on a lovely boat - I mean ship (Jack Sparrow ref) but it still counts as a cringy keyboard moment.
I loved this theme when this film first came out, but not so much the tentacled squid face who plays it. I mean, look at that slime! How are the keys not glued together? I'd understand if he just had tentacles but ... HE HAS HANDS. Well, one hand and a pincer. At least take advantage and do a duet with yourself.
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4. The Piano (1993)
For a movie with a title such as this, it sure doesn't pay homage.
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I don't blame Ada for grappling with her moron of a husband. It's a perfectly reasonable response in my view. If someone lodged an axe in the lid of my piano I'd be rage incarnate. Future husband be warned ...
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Piano ...Ocean ... Piano ... Ocean
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GOOD LORD WOMAN
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You threw yourself between your piano and axe-wielding husband, but decide to sink it in the ocean? Playing it on the beach was bad enough. Yes, it's all very symbolic, she's drowning her past life, and at least by the end she gets a new piano but ... eugh I can't.
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5. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
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Ah, Edward's piano. The piano with which he serenades Bella in the first barely endurable installment. Of course it returns in New Moon as my final pièce de résistance of piano destruction. Nothing signifies the end of a relationship more than a blood-thirsty vampire being rugby tackled into *sniff* that ... beautiful shiny grand piano ... with a dramatic clang of the strings and splitting it in two. Funnily enough my face had the same expression of rage as Jasper's on the right. Luckily, on closer inspection it looks like the piano was
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swapped out with one more cardboard based. They better had anyway.
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